Mission Accomplished! My First 5K!

I couldn’t be more proud of myself for reaching this goal.

Some thoughts:

My biggest fear was coming in last.  Yes, I know that someone has to be last, but I have worked my butt off over the past 2 years, and while a 5K may not be a huge deal for a lot of people, for me it was the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest.  I knew that everyone else in the race wouldn’t know my “story”, that at one time I weighed in at almost 340 lbs.   I not only wasn’t last, but out of about 60-70 people total, there were exactly 12 people who crossed the finish line after me.  So yes, I was near the back, but I don’t care.  I DID it, and I am proud.

My friend took these pictures for me.  🙂

Trying to get an app on my phone to record the route.  Nerves obviously got the better of me, as I didn't do it correctly.

Trying to get an app on my phone to record the route. Nerves obviously got the better of me, as I didn’t do it correctly.

I look scared...

I look scared…

First 5k4 First 5k5 First 5k6

The charity the run was supporting.

The charity the run was supporting.

Pre-run pep talk.

Pre-run pep talk.

Trying to blend in with the athletes...

Trying to blend in with the athletes…

Group warm up.

Group warm up.

And we're off!

And we’re off!

First 5k15

I knew there was at least one person behind me.  Found out afterwards there were 12.  So my biggest fear was averted.

I knew there was at least one person behind me. Found out afterwards there were 12. So my biggest fear was averted.

First 5k19

I thought I would cry from the emotional aspect of how big this was for me, but I didn't.  My time was 43:29.

I thought I would cry from the emotional aspect of how big this was for me, but I didn’t. My time was 43:29.

Today’s run/walk outside. In daylight. In public. Big step.

Really debated on bailing on today’s planned run/walk as I knew I was going to take it outside in daylight for the first time.  But I did it.  The good news is that I did a total of about 6.5 KM and survived running in public which was such a scary thing for me.  I did it at a trail that runs along a local river and while it was cold, it was beautiful.

The bad news is that probably because of a few too many glasses of wine last night with a girlfriend, plus the cold air (it was about 3 degrees Celsius) making it more difficult I couldn’t do the next level in the training program which included two sessions of 5 minute runs.  I had to stop and walk during each of them for awhile.  And coming back walking the 2nd half of the workout, I was heading right into the wind which was brutal.

But, I did it and I’m happy about that.  🙂  Progress, not perfection.

Hubby snapped this picture of me in my new running duds when I got home.  Blurry, but that’s ok.

Image

OMG…Size LARGE!!

This has been the BEST day!  Spent the morning doing something I NEVER do…window shopping and trying on clothes I had no intention of purchasing.  This was while searching for a light jacket for running that has pockets with zippers.

Keep in mind that my entire life, shopping for clothes was always a “get in, get out” with as little time and fuss as possible as it was always a painful ordeal.  I spent a few hours just browsing before finding a nice jacket.  I took 2 of them into the changeroom, a Large and an Extra Large.  I was sure the XL would be the better size and even thought I might have to try a XXL.  Put on the Large first with the idea that it would be set aside as way too small, but nope, it fit!  I almost cried in the changeroom and then texted the picture to my husband.  Couldn’t believe it.

Here it is:

Image

Reflections after 2 years of this journey

This month is the 2 year mark since I began this journey.  There have been so many amazing changes to my life that I simply can’t begin to describe them all adequately.  But I feel like I need to try.  There are basically 3 areas that those changes fit into so I’m going to describe them here.  I feel the need to get some of this out because there’s a bit of a struggle going on in my head and perhaps this will help.

First, and most obvious, there is the physical changes.  I don’t think I truly was aware when I was at my heaviest how difficult it was to do so many different things.  Pretty sure it was denial of sorts because I didn’t want to face how bad things had gotten.  And having been heavy all of my life, maybe I was used to it. Tonight I was rummaging around the back of a lower kitchen cupboard for something and my husband commented that he can’t believe the difference in how I get up from that position now.  My fitness levels have now far surpassed where I thought I’d ever get, even in my wildest dreams of being thin.  The idea that I can now jog, and do it regularly, probably doesn’t sound as astounding to anyone else but me, but every time I do it, I am amazed.  Today, I was grocery shopping and as I usually do, I repeatedly remembered an item that happens to be at the other end of the store and I found myself walking briskly over to get it rather than figure out a plan to walk the least amount of steps.  Yes, I realize this is “normal” behavior but it certainly never was mine.  The physical changes and how that reflects in the clothing I can wear is just truly amazing to me.  Recently, I have been known to stand in my closet and just admire the sheer number of non-plus sized clothing I now own.  Astounding to me.

The second change that has become apparent to me is the emotional changes.  These probably aren’t as obvious to others as they are to me.  I used to spend so much energy putting on a happy, positive face for everyone else while deep inside I was hurting deeply.  I didn’t have the belief in myself that others seemed to, and so my life felt like a big fat lie all the time.  It feels like I have now reconciled the public me with the inner me and that has been so freeing.  This also ties into the knowledge that I have a stronger drive than I ever thought I possessed.  I am stubborn and headstrong and most importantly, I am stronger than I ever thought of myself.

The third change is the one I’m struggling with, and that is my body image.  You’d think based on the physical changes alone, there would be a dramatic improvement in my own body image, but in fact, it’s worse than ever.  I’m sure that makes no sense, so I’ll explain.  As I mentioned earlier, I think I was in denial at how bad things had gotten, so I did a LOT of pretending.  I see pictures of myself from those days in outfits that I thought I looked good in and as it wasn’t that long ago, I actually remember how I THOUGHT I looked.  The thought was nothing close to the reality.  Instead, I focused on parts of my body that didn’t reflect my weight, like makeup, my skin (I have always had really good skin) and my hair.  And here’s where the struggle is now:  With the dramatic changes in my body, I am very aware of it now.  And that includes all of the flaws I never noticed (because of the denial) before, in addition to being hyper aware of the loose skin I now have.  And it’s all playing with my head.  Most of the time, I feel as if I look worse now than I ever did.  It’s a constant (as in daily) dialogue in my head in which I have to remind myself of the good things to try to not focus so much on the negative.  If this doesn’t improve I may actually have to seek some professional help to work through it because it is affecting me so much.

Now, don’t get me wrong…this struggle isn’t taking anything away from what I know I have accomplished.  I am thinking it’s just one of the bumps in the road that I will get through, like anything else.  The positives that this journey has brought to my life far outweigh the negative and I am confident that I will get through that part.  I like who I am becoming and would never change the struggles because they are shaping who I am as much as the good stuff is.  I will get there!  And this photo shows how far I’ve come.  🙂

125 lbs gone!

Reason to Celebrate Today! Woo hoo!

I was meeting my niece this morning for a Zumba class (her first) and not only did my niece sleep in but no instructor showed.  With the way I’ve been reacting to stress lately, I would have expected to have let it colour my day in a negative way.  But I decided to try to beat my former 5K record of 48 minutes and I totally SMASHED it with a time of 44:52.  Pretty respectable, considering just 2 years ago I weighed well over 300 lbs and just walking was difficult.

Also jogged more than ever in one exercise session with a total jogging time of 18 minutes with never more than a minute or two of walking between jogging intervals of either 1 or 2 minutes.  I am pleased!

And a sweaty selfie to celebrate.  Woot!

Image

Photo Shoot

I mentioned this a few weeks back but didn’t want to post the pictures until I had given my husband the calender I had made with them.  To recap, a lady who used to own a clothing and lingerie store in town offered a photo shoot for women.  I thought this might be a good way for me to put together a unique Christmas gift for my husband as well as help me through some major body image issues I’m having.  I left that photo shoot feeling so much better about myself which was a good thing for me.  I’m going to post a few of the pictures here as I believe they turned out tasteful enough that I’m not embarrassed.  I am proud of how they turned out so I hope I’m not offending anyone.

ImageImage

Feeling better

This week has been better.  I am finally kicking this cold…the second one I’ve had this school year.  This is the first time I’ve had back to back colds this soon in the beginning of the year in 20 plus years of teaching.  One I picked up and I believe my 9 year old brought one home from her school.  Not been fun.  Besides feeling ill, I’ve been unable to visit with my sister since her diagnosis of breast cancer because knowing she had her surgery (mastectomy plus lymph node removal) looming, I knew that she couldn’t afford to get sick and risk having her surgery date postponed.  She needs to recover from surgery well so that her chemo can get started.  Ugh.

But I’ve been keeping busy.  After some guilt the first week after my sister’s diagnosis over keeping up with my fitness routine (I realize that I need to take care of myself and now that we’ve had 2 cancer diagnoses in my family…Mom 10 years ago and now my sister), it’s important I take care of myself, even more than before.  I’ve also organized a huge fundraiser for my sister that has grown far beyond any expectations.  It takes place next week and so far we’ve got over 100 people attending and more than 32 donations to a silent auction including high end stuff like a weekend in Whistler and more.  I am thrilled and glad to be doing SOMETHING to help.

And, yesterday, I got this:

20131108_192140

After a decade of my husband trying to convince me to get a tattoo, I got my first one.  I didn’t want one just for the sake of getting one, and while a few things interested me, this week I decided I needed to do it.  My 19 year old daughter (who has a couple tattoos) and I discussed getting a breast cancer ribbon together but for whatever reason, I felt the need to do it on my own and for myself so I managed to get an appointment after a cancellation at a good place with just a day’s notice.  I’m happy with it.   I told my sister, but no one else before getting it done and she cautioned me not to get it for her, but it’s not…it’s because 2 family members have had breast cancer now, and that’s ridiculous.  I’m already planning to run a 5k for breast cancer next year too.

This blog was supposed to be about my progress with weight loss, so I should say something about that too.  😉  As of this morning, I’m down to 195.8 lbs.  This sounds so stupid, but I can’t wrap my head around this number.  I had to submit my current weight this morning to the new local 6 week health challenge I’m participating  in and I came very close to accidentally submitting 295.8 lbs as my current weight.  I don’t think I ever believed I’d make it to under 200 like this.

I’ve been talking with close friends this week about some of my issues surrounding my weight loss and how it’s impacting me in my head.  I’m getting some great ideas on how to get past some of the major issues I’m still feeling.  Without getting too into it (and I’ve made it pretty clear in some of my heading posts), I’m still having body issues related to the weight gain and I NEED to work through them.  More on that to come, I’m sure.

Yet another rambling post, but it pretty much sums up my week.

 

Previous Older Entries